斯宾塞和凯利·德扎特-史密斯-照片和采访

斯宾塞和凯利的怀孕和父亲之旅：第三个三个月（和婴儿淋浴！）

由erin担心撰写

上午11:58

10/03/19

如果你们中有人已经成为这个故事的忠实追随者斯宾塞和凯利·德扎-史密斯，两个令人难以置信的爸爸，令人愉快地与母亲分享怀孕之旅，这是一个重要的一周！斯宾塞怀孕38周，距离终于生育的几天之外！本周，这对夫妻邀请我们全部进入他们华丽的婴儿淋浴，举办了一个堂兄的令人惊叹的国王公寓，享有悉尼天际线。这是一个真正的特殊场合，因为他们最亲密的朋友和来自奇怪社区的支持者和他们的生物家庭成员首次举行会议。扰流板：这是一个爱情节。Spencer和Kelly也向我们展示了他们的新家 - 他们一直希望在婴儿到达之前进入更大的地方，最近发现了完美的地方。最后，他们让我们陪伴他们参加他们的最后一个育儿课程，他们在蜂巢的美术中学校教育。

第一次加入我们的朋友们，斯宾塞和凯利是一对生活在澳大利亚悉尼的已婚夫妇。斯宾塞是一名变性男子，出生在澳大利亚的一个农业小镇布莱克希思(Blackheath)，而他的丈夫凯利(Kelly)是第一代美国人，出生在新泽西的海地移民家庭。他们慷慨地同意向我们开放他们的生活和非常私人的家庭旅程。在她们的家人和朋友知道她们怀孕之前，我们就开始拍摄和采访她们，并一直持续到她们整个怀孕期和之后。他们对我们问题的坦率、敏锐的回答，讲述了一个既美丽又独特的故事，与世界各地的任何父母都完全相关。虽然他们的一些挣扎和经历对一些人来说可能是完全不同的，但他们对孩子和未来家庭的喜悦、恐惧和希望，无疑与任何准父母一样。我们邀请你每周跟随我们，当他们允许我们进入他们的家，他们的医生办公室，他们的关系，并在他们经历一生的经历时为他们加油。点击下面的幻灯片，看看凯丽和斯宾塞在第三和最后三个月怀孕期间的生活是什么样的。

这是五部分系列文章的第三部分。

阅读第一部分:前三个月，在这里．

阅读第二部分:怀孕中期，在这里．

阅读第四部分:诞生!在这里．

阅读第五部分：生活作为爸爸，在这里．

点击任何图像进入幻灯片

Today I am 38 weeks and 3 days. I feel O.K. I mean, I am tired and over it, but really there is nothing majorly wrong. I have been suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome, so my fingertips are numb, which is very annoying. But other than that…just ready."

KELLY: "And Spencer has been getting lighting crotch. It’s a sharp shooting pain that can occur when the baby’s head goes so low and pushes on a nerve. It comes on without warning, and makes me think we’re going into labor anytime it happens, lol. I’m looking forward to having our baby safe and with us and watching all of Spencer’s pregnancy symptoms get better."">: 斯宾塞：“今天我38周零3天了。我感觉还好——我的意思是，我很累了，但真的没有什么大问题。我一直患有腕管综合症，所以我的指尖是麻木的，这是非常恼人的。但除此之外，就做好准备。”

凯莉:“而斯宾塞一直在播放裆。当婴儿的头脑如此低而推动神经时，这是一个急剧的射击疼痛。它没有警告，让我觉得我们会随时进入劳动，大声笑。我期待着让宝宝安全，并与我们一起观看所有斯宾塞的怀孕症状变得更好。“

The baby has hair! We were able to see the their hair at our 36-week ultrasound. I have been suffering from heartburn, which they say is a sign of hair. I am glad it hasn’t all been for nothing."">: 斯宾塞：“宝宝有头发！我们可以在36周超声中看到他们的头发。我一直患有胃灼热，他们说是头发的标志。我很高兴一切都没有任何东西。“

Our baby shower was so beautiful. I have a cousin who I am very close with. Like brothers, really. Always. Since we were babies. Kelly and I asked him if he would be open to hosting the shower at his amazing apartment, which overlooks the city. He so graciously accepted and the rest was history. We had a dear friend cater the event with small bites, all from the local farmers' market. Our friends and family celebrated with punch, wine, and champagne into the evening. It was more like a cocktail party. Baby showers are so interesting. The tradition that surrounds them can be very limiting. I mean the ‘no men’ rule Kelly and I had ruled out from the beginning. We decided to just have a party instead."">: 斯宾塞：“我们的婴儿洗澡很漂亮。我有一个堂兄，我非常接近。像兄弟一样，真的。总是。因为我们是婴儿。凯利和我问他是否会在他的惊人公寓举办淋浴，俯瞰城市。他如此慷慨地接受，其余的是历史。我们有一个亲爱的朋友迎合了小叮咬的活动，所有来自当地农民的市场。我们的朋友和家人用拳打，葡萄酒和香槟庆祝。它更像是鸡尾酒会。 Baby showers are so interesting. The tradition that surrounds them can be very limiting. I mean the ‘no men’ rule Kelly and I had ruled out from the beginning. We decided to just have a party instead."

: 凯莉:“是的，这绝对是一个颓废的鸡尾酒派对，绝对是神奇的。我们在国王十字车站开了一辆车，当时有大约30名客人——如果不考虑客流量的话，这个数字很可能会翻倍——都是我们最亲近的人。这是我们的古怪家庭和我们的亲生家庭第一次共处一室。每个人都相处得很好，这凸显了我们有如此强大和美丽的支持网络是多么的幸运。还有食物!食物是由一个可爱的朋友莫娜提供的，她做的松脆饼最好吃。她的从农场到餐桌的菜肴深受所有客人的欢迎。”

Our tiny arrives in three days. I feel excited and pretty calm and appreciative to have this time. A lot has happened in our final trimester. We moved house at 35 weeks, and we’re settling nicely into our new space. We’re taking the time to really enjoy these last few days together."

SPENCER: "I am actually feeling solid emotionally. I am so excited to be so close to the end. I feel like I have been chasing this moment for years now. Not just the having-a-baby moment, but the point at which I can close this chapter of my life and get back to my identity. That’s just as exciting to me."">: 凯莉:“我们的微小到达三天。我感到兴奋，非常平静，欣赏这次。我们的最后三个月发生了很多事情。我们在35周搬了房子，我们正好在我们的新空间中解决了。我们花了时间真正享受过去几天。“

斯宾塞：“我的情绪真的很稳定。我很激动，快结束了。我觉得我已经追寻这一刻很多年了。不仅仅是生孩子的时刻，也是我结束人生这一章，回归自我的时刻。这对我来说同样令人兴奋。”

Spence and I talk to tiny often. We often put our hands on Spence’s belly and touch the different parts of tiny’s body parts that are protruding out."">: 凯莉:“斯宾塞和我经常和小不点聊天。我们经常把手放在斯宾塞的肚子上，触摸tiny身体突出的不同部位。”

I have decided to have an elective cesarean section. This wasn’t my first choice. I was actually pretty adamant that I didn’t want this, but as the time approached and I began having conversations with my midwife about the birth plan, my mind changed. The birth plan conversation involved so much more than just my preferences when it came to the way I wished to birth my baby. It actually felt more like a mental health plan. There needed to be conversations about pronouns and terminology and people allowed in the room and many other things pertaining to my male identity. I realized that the hospital, on a real basic level, just isn’t set out to accommodate this situation. That isn’t to say that they weren’t being accommodating, because they were really trying, but I just didn’t want to put my mental health at risk at a time when I would be the most vulnerable. I also didn’t want to put Kelly in a position where he would have to be on guard and advocating the whole time to make sure things weren’t weird."

KELLY: "I feel really fortunate to have such an amazing medical team. Our doctor and midwife have been really great at letting us know what our birthing options are. My husband is one of the strongest men I know, and he was getting nervous not knowing when he would give birth. That's when we talked and decided to have a c-section. We know our tiny can come at any time, and I feel really good knowing we have a date." ">: 斯宾塞：“我决定做选择性剖腹产。这不是我的第一选择。事实上，我很坚定地认为我不想要这个，但随着时间的临近，我开始和我的助产士讨论分娩计划，我的想法改变了。当谈到我希望如何分娩时，关于生育计划的讨论不仅仅涉及到我的喜好。其实更像是心理健康计划。需要讨论代词和术语，允许人们进入房间，以及许多其他与我的男性身份有关的事情。我意识到，在最基本的层面上，医院并没有打算适应这种情况。这并不是说他们不乐于助人，因为他们真的在努力，但我只是不想在我最脆弱的时候把自己的心理健康置于危险之中。我也不想让凯利处于一种不得不一直保持警惕和倡导的状态，以确保事情不会变得奇怪。”

凯莉:“我觉得真的很幸运能拥有这样一个惊人的医疗团队。我们的医生和助产士非常擅长让我们知道我们的分娩选择是什么。我的丈夫是我所知道的最强壮的男人之一，当他会出生时，他不知道。那是我们谈话并决定有一个C系列的时候。我们知道我们的小可以随时来，我觉得我们真的很好知道我们约会。“

: 斯宾塞:"One of my biggest fears was being in labor in a waiting room and having everyone stare at me. Whether or not that would have happened doesn’t matter, but it's an example of just one of the ways I felt super exposed and fearful. I sat with my thoughts for a few days and decided the controlled and planned nature of a c-section felt way more manageable. I chatted with Kelly about it, and then my doctor and midwife, and now I feel much better. Our plan involves having a private space to wait prior to the procedure rather than being with the general public, and having our postnatal stay be in a smaller ward where my midwife is based and all of the other midwives have been briefed on our situation. We were also able to meet with our surgeon and all the other people involved in the procedure. I feel like my mental health was centered in these conversations, which in turn feels like the best thing for our baby."

I am for sure nervous about the procedure. I feel anxious about being awake during the whole thing. I don’t really have any worries other than what I imagine are the worries of all new parents. I hope my baby is healthy and that the birth is an easy experience for them. I hope they come out crying."">: 斯宾塞：“我肯定会对这个程序感到紧张。我觉得急于在整个事情中醒来。除了我想象的是所有新父母的担忧，我并不真正担心。我希望宝宝健康，出生是对他们的简单体验。我希望他们哭了。“

Spence and I have been spending a lot of time together. It’s been really sweet. He has been working from home and has recently started his parental leave. I’ll never know what it’s like to carry a baby for nine months. I often ask him how he feels and if he needs anything. I’ve tried my best to make sure he’s as comfortable as possible during this final trimester. I think supporting your partner means asking them what they need and hearing their desires."">: 凯莉:“斯宾塞和我经常在一起。真的很甜蜜。他一直在家工作，最近开始休产假。我永远不会知道怀胎九个月是什么感觉。我经常问他感觉如何，是否需要什么。在这最后的三个月里，我尽了最大的努力来确保他尽可能的舒服。我认为支持你的伴侣意味着问他们需要什么，听他们的愿望。”

Packing for a hospital stay is nothing like packing for a holiday. Our bags are actually quite mundane. We’ve packed all the necessities: a change in clothes, toiletries, and all the necessary baby accoutrements. We did get a special travel bag for the baby. It’s actually designed really well, separate compartments for food, nappies, and other baby essentials. I’m actually really excited to see it in use!"">: 凯莉:“打包住院和打包度假完全不同。我们的包其实很普通。我们已经装好了一切必需品:换洗的衣服、洗漱用品和所有必要的婴儿用品。我们确实为宝宝准备了一个特别的旅行袋。它实际上设计得很好，把食物、尿布和其他婴儿必需品分开放置。看到它投入使用，我真的很兴奋!”

I walk everyday and I ate some dates. Lol."">: 斯宾塞：“我每天都走路，我吃了一些日期。哈哈。”

No. I have had a double mastectomy with nipple grafts. That means that my nipples were completely removed and grafted back in a different place. We have been trying to get some breast milk to feed our baby at least in the first days while in the hospital. We will see how that turns out."">: 斯宾塞：“不，我患有乳头移植物的双重乳房切除术。这意味着我的乳头被完全除去并在不同的地方嫁接。我们一直试图在医院在第一天内喂养一些母乳来喂宝宝。我们将看到它的结果。“

As I mentioned earlier in the pregnancy, I had to switch jobs at four-months pregnant. This impacted my parental-leave options. Generally, you need to be with your employer for 12 months before you qualify for paid parental leave through your work. If that had been the case, I would’ve had three months paid leave at my full pay rate, followed by the option of another six weeks paid at minimum wage, paid by the government. Since that isn’t the case, I will have six weeks parental leave paid by the government. Kelly is a little more flexible, so he will be home with the baby after that. It’s all worked out O.K."

KELLY: "I’m not really taking any official time off. I work for myself, and I keep a pretty flexible schedule. I’m planning on being a stay-at-home parent, especially in the beginning. I’ll continue to work from home, and I guess with time I’ll figure out what balance looks like. Right now, I’m appreciative and look forward to getting to spend my days with tiny."">: 斯宾塞：“正如我在怀孕前提到的，我不得不在怀孕四个月时换工作。这影响了我对休产假的选择。一般来说，你需要和你的雇主在一起12个月，才有资格享受带薪产假。如果是这样的话，我会有三个月的全薪带薪假期，然后再选择六周的最低工资，由政府支付。既然不是这样，我将有六周的产假，工资由政府支付。凯利比较灵活，所以在那之后他会在家照顾孩子。一切都解决了。”

凯莉:“我并没有真正接受任何官方时间。我为自己工作，我保持一个非常灵活的时间表。我打算作为一个宿舍父母，特别是在开始。我会继续在家工作，我想随着时间的推移，我会弄清楚平衡看起来像什么样的。现在，我很感激，期待着竭尽全力。“

: 斯宾塞:“感觉我的宝宝在动。我的意思是，我对我的身体能做的事感到敬畏。养育一个孩子是一件很疯狂的事情，我很感激我有能力为我和凯利做这些。”

: 斯宾塞:“作为一个怀孕的男人。在这中间存在了9个月真是奇怪。我感到难以置信的暴露和隐形的同时。例如，不是我工作的每个人都知道我怀孕了。那里还有其他怀孕的人，我也遇到过这样的情况，我走过的时候他们正在谈论自己的怀孕，很兴奋，等等。我只是走过去，如果没有其他的对话，我就无法参与。我在街上和医院里也有这种感觉。那么，当一个男人明显变大了，看起来像是怀孕了，那就完全是另一种尴尬了。我想我可以和其他酗酒的人混在一起，哈哈。有时候感觉不是这样的。 Especially towards the end."

Well, we moved house at 35 weeks pregnant. We had been living with a friend in a small inner-city terrace house and really wanted to be in a place of our own before the baby arrived. The place we moved into is gorgeous. It’s not far from where we were, but much bigger. Our bedroom is essentially a large attic space to which the stairs enter through the middle. This makes it so our bed can be at one end and the nursery at the other. Our aesthetic is mostly earth tones, plants, and a refurbished midcentury feel. None of the furniture is new. The space feels very calm and easy, which I love."

KELLY: "Spence actually salvaged a vintage chest of drawers, sanded and oiled it, and put some really cute bronze fox handles on it. That has to be my favorite piece in the nursery."">: 斯宾塞：“好吧，我们在怀孕35周搬家了。我们在一个小城市露台房子里和一个朋友一起生活，真的想在宝宝到达之前在自己的地方。我们搬进的地方是华丽的。它离我们所在的地方不远，但更大。我们的卧室本质上是一个大型阁楼空间，楼梯进入中间。这使得我们的床可以在另一端和另一端和托儿所。我们的审美大多是大部分地球色调，植物和翻新的中间人感觉。没有一个家具是新的。空间感觉非常平静，容易，我喜欢。“

凯莉:“斯普斯实际上拯救了一名复古抽屉柜，砂磨和上油，并放弃了一些真正可爱的古铜狐狸。这必须是我在托儿所最喜欢的作品。”

Spence has been fascinated by the British television show One Born Every Minute. We’ve watched multiple episodes of families going through the birthing process. We’ve watched water births, c-sections, and natural births. Watching that many births has definitely made us both demystified and a lot more comfortable with the birthing process. I’ve been obsessed with parenting literature. Some of the better books I’ve read have been The Whole Brain Child and The Danish Way of Parenting."

SPENCER: "The best book I have read thus far has been French Kids Eat Everything. My cousin recommended it, and it really resonated with me. I will definitely be trying to implement the things I learned in that book. Kelly has been listening The Whole Brain Child on audio book, and I have joined him in listening to some of those chapters. It’s so interesting to think about the way you would like to parent."">: 凯莉:“斯宾塞对这个英国电视节目很感兴趣每分钟生一个人．我们看过多次通过分娩过程的家庭集。我们观看了水生育，C部分和自然诞生。看着许多出生肯定让我们陷入了僵硬的纤维化，并且对分娩过程更加舒适。我一直痴迷于育儿文学。我读过的一些更好的书籍整个脑儿和丹麦的育儿方式．"

斯宾塞：“到目前为止我读过的最好的书是法国孩子什么都吃．我的表弟推荐了它，它真的引起了我的共鸣。我一定会把我在那本书中学到的东西付诸实践。凯利一直在听整个脑儿在录音书上，我加入了他听着一些章节。这么有趣地思考父母的方式。“

KELLY: "Most parental books and literature don’t consider the varying models of families. They assume a home has a mom and dad. That parents are raising little cishet boys and girls. I think our world is a lot more dynamic than that. And I feel like we should treat little people with the same potential. And to answer your question yes, pregnancy, birthing, and parental literature for the most part often time falls short and leaves me feeling a bit let down in terms of their structure and language. Unsurprisingly, I’ve realized there aren't many queer parenting texts. A queer parenting text for me would be a piece of literature that isn’t gendered and doesn't assign gender roles to parents and children. It’s inspired me to do some writing of my own. I’ve also enjoyed talking with our medical practitioners about ways the hospital can make the journey of pregnancy a little bit easier to access and navigate for different types of families."">: 斯宾塞:“关于育儿和怀孕的一切都是基于异质结构和语言。字面上的一切。我只是想让这件事影响我。如果我不这样做，我可能会非常生气、悲伤或其他一些我真的不想参与的情绪。我对自己的性别认同感到非常坚定，也很幸运能一直得到家人和朋友的支持。这帮助我增强了内心的自信，因此我能够使用这种语言，而不受它的影响。”

凯莉:"Most parental books and literature don’t consider the varying models of families. They assume a home has a mom and dad. That parents are raising little cishet boys and girls. I think our world is a lot more dynamic than that. And I feel like we should treat little people with the same potential. And to answer your question yes, pregnancy, birthing, and parental literature for the most part often time falls short and leaves me feeling a bit let down in terms of their structure and language. Unsurprisingly, I’ve realized there aren't many queer parenting texts. A queer parenting text for me would be a piece of literature that isn’t gendered and doesn't assign gender roles to parents and children. It’s inspired me to do some writing of my own. I’ve also enjoyed talking with our medical practitioners about ways the hospital can make the journey of pregnancy a little bit easier to access and navigate for different types of families."

KELLY: "I think it would be nice if my child calls me dad. I feel like I identify with dad."">: 斯宾塞:“爸爸”。

凯莉:“如果我的孩子打电话给我爸爸，我认为这会很好。我觉得我识别爸爸。”

KELLY: "Being queer bodies navigating the medical system is challenging. We’ve mainly had some great experiences, and it can feel a bit exhausting having to teach folks how to treat people with kindness and respect."">: 斯宾塞:“说实话，我在医院的经历非常棒。我们很幸运，在我们所去的医院里，胎儿医学的负责人接受了我们作为病人。在我们12周的约会中，他抢先了我们一步，在任何情况下都比我们领先两步。医院系统才是真正需要更新的。当涉及到性别标记时，通常是这个系统不允许多样性。在我的医院里有一些关于这种改变的讨论，每个人都是如此强烈的倡导者。我真的希望这对我以后的所有不同性别的人都有用。”

凯莉:“酷儿身体在医疗系统中穿行是一项挑战。我们主要有一些很棒的经历，但要教人们如何善待他人和尊重他人，感觉有点累。”

KELLY: "Everyone has had their tinies early. Spence and I are kind of the last of our parental cohort to have our baby. I feel really excited to have all of our babies meet and hopefully grow up together."">: 斯宾塞:“在澳大利亚和旧金山，有少数人与我分享这段旅程。我有一个老朋友刚生了一对双胞胎，还有一个新朋友生了一个两周大的双胞胎。另一个跨性男和他四个月大的孩子来找我。有一群酷儿正在开始这段旅程，在这段时间给予爱和支持感觉非常特别。”

凯莉:“每个人都早期有灰色。斯普斯和我是我们父母的父母的最后一个队伍让我们的宝宝。我觉得拥有我们所有的婴儿都会见面并希望在一起成长。”

: 斯宾塞:“我有我的家人。我有堂兄弟和朋友，孩子们对凯莉和我来说非常令人惊讶和支持。我认为他们整个旅程都会非常宝贵。但是，我们只有一个强大的朋友网络。有孩子的朋友but most who don’t. That’s who we get most of our support from. I think I am a person first and a parent second."

: 斯宾塞:“是啊!我是Facebook上多个变性人生孩子小组的成员之一。其中一个团体是专门为正在怀孩子的跨性别者设立的。全世界大概有35人属于这个群体。很高兴能听到其他人的经历，也能分享我自己的经历。我还认识几个在澳大利亚的人，他们都是怀孕母亲。据记录，去年澳大利亚有21名男性生了孩子。在过去的十年里，有228名婴儿由男性接生。这是医疗保险统计数据，所以这些人在我们的国家医疗保健系统中有男性性别标记。”

: 斯宾塞:“等我感觉好了就去看医生开处方。我会说在生孩子的头两周内。”

: 斯宾塞:“嗯…我很高兴它离开了，但我并不讨厌它。我也不喜欢。感觉有目的的。”

KELLY: "'Enjoy the moments of quiet,' 'Sleep,' and 'Ask for help.'"">: 斯宾塞:“'一次每天服用一天'，”每个人都在这个阶段感到不舒服。“

凯莉:“‘享受安静的时刻’、‘睡觉’和‘寻求帮助’。”

SPENCER: "So Kelly and I were offered private classes with a magical educator at our hospital. We did a class on our birth process, one on caring for a newborn, and one on calming and settling. They were all amazing. It was really nice to have the one-on-one experience. It for sure made everything feel very real." ">: 凯莉:“我们在医院接受了非常棒的病人护理。他们让我们联系了一位很棒的家长教育促进者。我们上了一些非常有帮助的课程，包括喂食、睡觉、安抚和襁褓技巧。悉尼有很棒的LGBTQI小组课程，但遗憾的是，这些课程并不定期，也不符合我们的日程安排。”

斯宾塞:“所以凯莉和我在我们医院提供了一个神奇的教育家的私人课程。我们在我们的出生过程中做了一个课程，一个关于一个新生儿的关心，一个在平静和沉降中。他们都很惊讶。这真的很棒。这真的很棒有一对一的经历。肯定会让一切都感觉非常真实。“

KELLY: "I would say Spence and I have grown closer and are a lot more comfortable in our relationship. We’ve actually spent a lot of time together throughout this pregnancy. We’ve had lots of conversations about the types of parents we want to be and the kind of support we want to provide for one another. I’m really excited to watch Spence grow as a dad. I feel really lucky every day I get to be with Spence."">: 斯宾塞:"Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love this human any more. I have fallen more and more in love with Kelly every day. He has really been a dream partner. He is supportive, excited, adorable, and practical all at once. He stays so true to who he is, while also preparing to become a parent, which is going to add a whole other dimension to his existence. I can’t wait to parent with him. This has been a very long and at times a very difficult road. The potential for this particular journey to parenthood to break a relationship was real. We have evolved into something so magical through this adversity, it's beyond amazing."

凯莉:"I would say Spence and I have grown closer and are a lot more comfortable in our relationship. We’ve actually spent a lot of time together throughout this pregnancy. We’ve had lots of conversations about the types of parents we want to be and the kind of support we want to provide for one another. I’m really excited to watch Spence grow as a dad. I feel really lucky every day I get to be with Spence."