妈妈。

在知道自己怀孕的女性中，大约15％其中有80%的孕妇会在怀孕的头3个月内流产。这意味着如果你经历过一个(或几个)，你肯定不是一个人。很有可能，你身边的人或你社区里的人也经历过同样的磨难。虽然每个人对这种失去的反应不同，但普遍的共识是，和有过类似经历的女性谈论这件事可能是一种安慰。这就是为什么我们邀请了十位母亲在这里分享她们非常私人的、令人大开眼界的故事。

杰西卡，一次流产，16周。
我的第一次怀孕是无缝的。我们漫步在世界各地，享受着我丰满的肚子和我们只有两个人的最后时光。多年以后，我对要第二个孩子的事情犹豫不决。我想也许我们三人的生活应该保持快乐，谁知道如果我们加入更多的话，事情会发生怎样的变化呢?直到我改变主意。我后来的怀孕在16周时流产了。我开始发现，几天之内宝宝出现．我的犯人《教义这是必要的，因为我开始出血了。手术的痛苦与我躺在那里，消化这种创伤和失去一个永远不会认识的女儿时的痛苦情绪完全不匹配。接下来的几个月我记不清楚了。我一步一步地往前走，但我仍然不确定我是如何在这个世界上取得成功的。作为一名心理学家，早在我自己流产之前，我就专门研究女性生殖和孕产妇心理健康。我听过很多令人心痛的怀孕失败的故事，但还没有从肉体的角度去理解。妊娠中期的流产深刻地改变了我的工作，也一直在更广泛地改变着我这个人。此后不久我就怀孕了，现在我的孩子还在蹒跚学步，他的幽默让我捧腹大笑。一次又一次的怀孕让我感到难以置信的焦虑——恐惧有时会占据我的一天。在我的女儿依偎在我的怀里之前，我很难相信她真的会成为我们家庭的一员。 Now a family of four.

劳拉，一次流产，18周。
当不好的事情发生在你身上时，你很难摆脱别人认为是你做了一些事情导致的感觉。也许他们认为你心脏病发作是因为你吃得不好。因为计划不周被解雇了。有人闯入你的车，因为你在车里放了东西。但当我流产的时候，这种条件反射性责备的罪魁祸首是我自己。我花了好多年才忘记是我造成了孩子的死亡。我当时29岁，身体非常健康。我们第一次尝试就怀孕了。虽然我在怀孕的前三个月有一些斑点，但大部分情况下怀孕都很顺利，我甚至保持了每周2-3次的“训练营”(上山跑步)。当我们到了13周的时候，我们开始告诉朋友和家人。 My father-in-law had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, so the family was overjoyed to have some good news. I had just launched an online magazine and an annual event a few months before the pregnancy and I had a lot of work to do to get my solo businesses ready for three months without me. I took meetings all over S.F. and NYC, making plans for my seemingly imminent maternity leave. At the end of my 17th week, I started to have some pink spotting. It was very faint, so I thought little of it, but I tried to find a way to call my “low intervention” (hands-off) OB/midwife. I couldn’t find a way to get through to anyone, or a phone number on any of our paperwork. This spotting went on for a few days and then a day came where my cervix (top of my vagina) hurt so much when I stood that I tried to sit as much as possible. At the end of a busy work-from-home day, I was standing to make myself a snack. Right at the moment my husband walked through the front door, he saw my face contort and my body double over in pain. There was no question that this was ER-level pain. We still couldn’t find anyway to contact our OB, so we drove to the closest emergency room while I shrieked at every delay. Once we got there the ER attendants suggested I sit down and wait for a room, but once they saw me opt to lay down on the floor instead, they took our urgency more seriously. They got me immediately into a room and upon an exam realized that I had a condition called “cervical incompetence” and that my cervix was 10 centimeters dilated. Fully dilated. Ready to have a baby dilated. But all the miracles of modern science put together can’t make a baby survive at just 18 weeks gestation. And nothing can make a cervix un-dilate either. So, they asked me to push. I looked at them like they were completely crazy and they opted instead to give me “amnesia drugs” and local anesthetic and to do a D&C. I sent my husband out of the room not wanting either of us to see something that couldn’t be unseen. The next thing I remember is standing up and looking down at my own feet on the green tiled hospital floor, as blood dripped between them. Vividly, easily, the worst moment of my life. The grief hit in waves and was surprisingly complex. It was my first death. My body was healing from acute trauma. My milk came in, turning my breasts into hot painful rocks for a week. My “hands-off” (over-worked) midwife never once followed up. My hormones were a rollercoaster. Our plans were erased. Our families were crushed. I hid my maternity clothes and the things for the baby. I had to email dozens of people, including work connections, about our devastating news. I started over on business plans. I cried for weeks, months. I thought of every possible “what if” that I could have done that would have changed the situation—not lift heavy things, not run up hills, find a way to reach my doctor sooner, etc. I ached to be pregnant again. I ached for the loss of that specific person whom I felt like I already knew. (Based on my instincts, a boy. And based on my insane cravings, someone who would have loved coffee like his dad. And based on my dreams, someone sweet and wry and funny like his dad.) The day after the procedure, I limped around a local garden store with my husband and I filled a window box with what I thought of as my “recovery plants.” As the plants grew under my care, so did my acceptance and resolution around this daunting grief. They wilted with me around the week of my due date (likely due to an October heat wave), but overall grew strong and well. The best thing that I read during this extended grief period was “Someday you’ll have the family you’re supposed to.” Six months after the miscarriage, still feeling shook up and not ready to try again, we adopted a dog. In 2013 we had a healthy son, and in 2014 a healthy daughter, with the help of very attentive doctors and some medical intervention. It’s now been more than five years since the miscarriage and while I still grieve that specific person, I no longer blame myself or wish it hadn’t happened. That life path ended for me, but I’m on another one now. That’s all there is.

詹宁，两次流产，8-9周。
我有过两次流产，一次是在18岁，另一次是在37岁。第一次，我被我的母亲说服留下这个孩子，当我决定“留下”这个孩子，并对它产生了感情时，我流产了。我记得当时医院急诊室的工作人员是多么麻木不仁。我告诉他们我流产了(因为我在流血)，他们让我回家了。他们没有解释发生了什么。然后我把婴儿扔进厕所后，用手把它捞了出来。它还没有虾大，但你可以肯定它是一个胎儿。当我把它带到医院时，他们不相信我，把胎儿(我把它放在密封袋里给他们看)送到了病理学家做检测。当检查结果出来，我确实给他们带来了一个胎儿，他们继续检查，以确保一切都出来了，我记得医生说，“我要把这个窥镜插入，因为你怀孕了，它应该不会疼，而且里面有更大的东西。”我当时还年轻，对整个经历感到很糟糕，我不知道“人格”从何而来，但我绝对感觉自己与那只住在我体内的小虾相连，当我失去他或她时，我崩溃了。 In addition to that loss, the experience at the hospital was horrifying. Ultimately about that pregnancy, I feel it worked out the way it should have. Deep down inside I knew I was not meant to be a young mother, and am grateful to have had a life where I could choose to be a mom when I was ready. It took me nearly twenty years to finally be ready—married, financially stable, all that stuff. Luckily, especially because of my age (37), I got pregnant right away. When we took the viability ultrasound at 8 weeks and they did not find a heartbeat, the doctor informed us with genuine compassion. It was a stark contrast to the experience I had previously. That said, I had no idea what to do after. In retrospect, I believe I was in shock because I just went back to work. Like I had just been to the dentist or something. I didn’t know what else to do. I just buried myself in work for the following weeks because every time I stopped working I would just cry. I would work until it was time to go to bed, sleep, and wake up and start crying until I went to work. Luckily, that time didn’t last long. I didn’t have a hard time getting pregnant again, because I had one period, and then got pregnant, this time with my son who is now 2 years old. A friend of mine once said, “Everything works out. If you had that baby, you wouldn’t have Jasper. The baby you lost was a different baby.” And you know what, I really love Jasper, and I’m so glad he is here with us.

梅丽莎，5次流产，7-11周。
我和我丈夫一结婚就开始想要孩子了。我是33。我知道以我的年龄，我们的胜算并不大，但我一直是个乐观主义者。大约一年后，我怀孕了，虽然我知道我不应该太兴奋，直到我怀孕3个月，但我们还是忍不住开始在脑海中计划。我丈夫和我都晕头转向了。我去看了医生，他们在超声波上没有发现心跳，但他们说有时这是正常的，也许我没有我想的那么快。我们很担心，但仍然保持乐观。大约一周后，我经历了大出血，这清楚地表明我流产了。在医生的建议下(当时是下班时间)，我们去了急诊室，他们只是确认了我们已经知道的事情。这是令人心碎。 The problem is that, quite simply, I had more “old eggs” than I should have, and it was just an egg that wasn’t viable. It took a few months to get out of the funk. I had told more people than I wished I had, and it was terrible sharing the bad news. And somehow terrible to know they were grieving for us, too. We saw an infertility specialist, who suggested we try a round of injectable drugs andIUI，我们做了三次。一次尝试以怀孕(然后流产)告终，另外两次都不幸失败。在七年的时间里，我流产了五次。结果总是一样:他们听不到心跳，而我从第一次预约就知道这可能是个坏消息。怀孕总是在第7周到第11周结束，虽然这并不太长，但这段时间确实足够让你开始梦想并爱上这个孩子的想法。当然，一次又一次的流产对我和我丈夫来说都是非常艰难的。当我怀孕的时候，我们没有告诉任何人，因为不知怎么的，这让我更能忍受不去分担悲伤。我曾有一两次想过不告诉丈夫我怀孕了，想让他免受再次流产的痛苦，但我没办法瞒着他。我发现自己对朋友——还有带着孩子的陌生人——如此嫉妒和憎恨。我甚至会尽量避开那些我知道会看到很多孕妇或婴儿的地方。 I hated feeling bad for myself and hated the feelings of anger I had towards those who had no problem getting pregnant. I was incredibly frustrated with myself, and with my body. I had always found that with hard work, I’d been able to achieve anything I wanted. This was the one time I wanted something—and I wanted it so badly—and couldn’t do a thing about it. It was infuriating. I found myself seeking out women who had also suffered miscarriages, because one of the few things that gave me comfort was knowing I wasn’t alone. The more I brought it up in conversation, the more I realized that it’s so incredibly common, and while I would never wish the experience on anyone, the camaraderie made me feel stronger. We started looking into adoption, and were getting excited about the prospect. People always said that when you stop stressing out about getting pregnant and focus your thoughts elsewhere that “Bam!,” that’s when you get pregnant. It irritated me, blaming infertility on stress, because while it certainly might have played a part, I knew there were other physical reasons for the miscarriages. But “Bam!,” it did happen. A good egg. Seven years of trying and I had a pregnancy test that I knew told me another story. The line on the stick was WAY darker than it had even been in the past. And I started feeling nausea, which for the first time in my life, made me elated! I’ll admit, my husband and I worried about the baby for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I was “high risk” because of the past miscarriages and my age (40), but we welcomed the extra appointments and ultrasounds. And while we knew from the tests that everything was going smoothly, I felt scared to refer to the baby by the name we were giving him (Sammy), because I didn’t want to make him feel like a real person somehow. “Baby” felt safer. It wasn’t until I had a baby with a bill of good health in my arms that I could relax. While our journey was such a stressful and sad experience, I would go through it all again, in a heartbeat, to have our son.

艾米，一次流产，12周。
32岁时，我准备“尝试”。我丈夫很久以前就想要孩子了，但我想等一等，直到我准备好了。然后我意识到这是永远不会发生的，所以我就这么做了!我因为工作经常出差，但我们第一次尝试就成功怀孕了。我提前计划，考虑截止日期，我有多少时间可以休息，等等。我没有告诉很多人，只告诉了一个工作上的好朋友，她是个母亲。我妹妹之前流产过，所以我知道这是有可能的，但我还是进入了计划模式。12周的时候我做了一次扫描，结果和预期的不太一样，医生让我一周后再来，看看病情是否如他们希望的那样发展。那是非常奇怪的一周。当我回来时，已经没有心跳了。 It was not a complete shock, and I think I remember feeling pretty level about it, practical I suppose. My husband was about to travel abroad for a friend’s wedding. I remember I asked him not to go. We didn’t have many close friends or family near and my main concern was what happens next and who would I call? They wanted me to just let it happen naturally. I gave it five days and was just too apprehensive about when/how/what would happen. So, I had a D&C under general anesthetic. I was in and out in a few hours and felt okay, better than I thought. I went to work as usual, and didn’t really tell anyone apart from two friends who I know were keeping an eye on me. A few weeks or so later it all went a bit downhill. I felt totally strange. I would wake up and know instantly if it was a good day or not—it was that black and white. It was a rough few weeks. It felt like my body had only just realized I wasn’t pregnant anymore, and withdrew the hormones overnight. I felt a bit unstable. I also had bad thoughts—what if the D&C had scarred? What if I couldn’t get pregnant again? I started seeing an acupuncturist, who was wonderful. I’m not a talker and not great at self care, but those quiet moments helped me focus and become strong again. I was lucky to get pregnant again quickly. I remember I had been out with a new girlfriend and probably drank too much and also told her about how I had been feeling. It felt good to talk a little. My pregnancy progressed well, although my mindset had shifted greatly this time. I didn’t think about the due date, I took each day as it came, when I went to the bathroom I expected blood or spotting. I had some complications, including a double placenta and had extra scans, but for the most part he and I were fine. The miscarriage in a way helped me prepare for becoming a parent. As much as we like to think we are, we are not in control of any of this! It helped me let go of a lot of anxieties and worries. Although I do remember being incredibly emotional at every ultrasound, totally relieved when it was ok. I didn’t buy anything in preparation, probably not wanting to jinx anything. When he came a month early we didn’t even have a carseat! I think looking back, the experience helped me be more mindful and in the moment. I quit work and stayed home for almost 2 years. I tell a lot of people now, friends who are trying and people who have also experienced it. I’m lucky my experience was not too harrowing, but I feel that the practice of not telling anyone for 12 weeks is a little bizarre. It’s the time when you feel your worst physically, and when you really need support and care.

艾琳，一次流产，8周。
Thirty-five-ish。就在我这个年纪，我和丈夫按下绿色按钮，开始想要个孩子。我们在一起已经快10年了，结婚1.5年了，现在是时候在我们的婚姻中再添一个金块了。正是在这个时候，我了解到了怀孕的困难，尤其是在“高龄”怀孕，以及当你“高龄”时，并发症和流产的统计数据会有多高。就在圣诞节前，我们得知我们已经出生4周了，没有比这更好的节日礼物了。这个孩子将是双方的第一个外孙，所以我们不能保守这个消息，告诉了我们的父母和兄弟姐妹。我们都非常兴奋地开始思考，家里有了一个新的小宝贝，生活会很快发生怎样的变化。第二次预约时，没有发现心跳，但医生告诉我们不要担心，因为心跳会在第三次时出现。那天我们带着一张超音波魅力照离开了，让我们笑得合不拢嘴。在我们第三次预约的时候，当我们怀孕8周的时候，心跳仍然没有出现。 We learned that the baby has miscarried and were definitely surprised and shocked. Our doctor immediately told me what would happen next naturally or if I preferred, she could prescribe a medication that would expedite the process. All of a sudden, what was happening felt like such an emotionless, mechanical transaction. I had just lost the little life inside me, and if I wanted to, I could make this go away faster. What? My husband was definitely supportive, but I don’t think he fully understood what I was feeling emotionally. I’m not sure I understood either. I started to feel very connected to this little person and was terrified of what would happen next when he/she would physically leave my body. I felt so much shame about losing the baby and felt I must have done something wrong along the way. Maybe I wasn’t eating properly? Maybe I carried something too heavy (something my own mother said would cause a miscarriage)? Maybe I didn’t deserve a baby? Regardless, I went through this experience mostly by myself because I didn’t know how to share my experience without shame. When the limited number of friends who knew we were pregnant asked if I was ok, I would just say “yes” and try to change the subject. It was only then that a few shared they also experienced a miscarriage. It was really helpful and supportive to know I wasn’t alone. The number of friends in my close circle who shared this experience was small, but I did feel more at ease sharing certain emotions with them. To get past it, I ignored it for a long time and focused on other things. I took my miscarriage as a sign that the timing wasn’t right. I wasn’t in the happiest or healthiest place in terms of stress with my job and had been too afraid to quit. Experiencing a miscarriage changed my perspective on many things, but above all, it made me prioritize happiness and take action to change areas in my life that weren’t supporting that. Two months later, I quit my job, got a new job, and took a month-long trip to Asia in between. Fast forward to today, I am the proud mother of a 14-month-old chubster boy. We got pregnant later that year and he’s changed our world forever. I feel like the miscarriage happened for a reason and I’m glad I made some positive long-term changes for myself and family because of it. We’re now starting to talk about nugget #2 and I would be lying if I said miscarriage isn’t something I worry about. Now I’m 38, so the race to have a baby before 40 is always in my face. I’m just going to take things as they come and hope that we can be blessed with another healthy nugget.

特蕾西，一次流产，12周。
我们已经尝试了将近一年，挫折开始沉重地压在我们身上。感觉就像我们在等待我们的生活真正开始，好像没有这个孩子，我们就永远处于一种不确定的状态。在一年的时候，我们都决定暂时停止尝试。就这样，砰的一声，孕检显示出两条完美的粉色线。我们欣喜若狂。在第8周看到心脏跳动后，我们告诉了很少人，只有我们的直系亲属和几个亲密的朋友。我们把超声波上的小光点命名为蓝莓，这样我们就把它变成了我们的。生活很好。感觉我们终于要建立我们渴望已久的家庭了。蓝莓将是我们家的第一个外孙，所以你可以想象当我们告诉父母这个消息时，他们有多高兴。 I had been spotting but not cramping when we went in for our 12 week appointment. Over the phone, the doctor told me to stay optimistic and most likely, the baby was doing just fine. They searched for Blueberry’s heartbeat for what felt like an eternity using multiple machines in multiple rooms just to be sure, and nothing. I don’t remember ever crying so hard in my entire life. I could see the pain in my husband’s tears and it only made it that much harder. It was the first tragedy we had faced in the 10 years we had been together. The hardest part was telling our parents. They had wanted Blueberry just as badly. It was the first time I saw my stoic father cry. I mourned in private. I did not want anyone to have to share in the pain. I spoke to almost no one about my experience until we conceived Jack, our now 18 month old. The second time around we didn’t tell our parents until we were almost 20 weeks along. I did not want them to go through the profound pain they experienced with Blueberry. The things I did to hide my obviously preggers belly from them… I think about Blueberry a lot. His due date, September 29th, will always be a tough day. Today, our toddler is the center of my world. He is my everything. The memories and pain of the miscarriage are still heavy, but with each day Jack is lightening the load.

艾琳，一次流产，12周。
当我终于怀孕时，我们已经努力了七个月。我当时31岁，我们激动不已——不仅因为已经有了一个该死的孩子，还因为我终于平静下来，脑海里的那个声音在低语(到第6个月时，完全变成了尖叫)“不孕不育”。7周时，我去做了第一次超声波检查，一切看起来都很好:一个小斑点，心脏还在跳动。我是个孕妇——我吃的每一餐、睡的每一个午觉、做的每一个瑜伽姿势，都是为了我们的孩子，他将在2011年9月19日走进我们的生活。我的第二次预约直到12周后，那是我们终于可以告诉全世界的时候。我们已经告诉了我们最亲密的朋友和家人，但是超声波显示，那个又大又圆的肚子——对我们来说就在拐角处。但我不时地发现，并不断地在谷歌上搜索。第10周左右，斑点更严重了。我很焦虑，考虑了最坏的情况，但仍然相信孩子会在9月份出生。一天晚上，我和丈夫正在家里看电视——离那个光荣的12周约会还有3天——当我去洗手间时，黑暗的斑点变成了一团鲜红的血。 I made a noise I have never made before and have never made since. It was a true, animal wail. We took a cab to the hospital—it was around 11 p.m. on a Friday. They examined me, and then went to go find an ultrasound machine to make the final call. As we waited I told my husband that if we lost this baby this would be the first truly terrible thing that had ever happened to me, and I was worried I would change forever and a certain level of happiness, one that I had been lucky to experience for 30 years, would forevermore be inaccessible to me. And when they came back in and told me there was no baby, I felt my heart go completely dark. It stayed dark for a minute or two while he and I sobbed and held each other, but then I felt it come back on, ever so dimly. It was nothing close to happiness or relief, at that point it was simply offering me enough to sit up, get dressed and walk outside. I opted to go in for the D&C, which was uncomfortable, but really a cleansing moment for me, no horrendous pun intended, because one of the more upsetting aspects of the whole thing was that they estimated that I actually lost the pregnancy at eight weeks. So, for four damn weeks I thought I was nurturing this baby, but really there was nothing but what was left, with my body still trying desperately to hold on to it until it couldn’t anymore. I wanted to know for sure that I was officially alone again. To the outside world it looked like I recovered quickly, I suppose, but that wasn’t the case. We started trying again a couple months after, and this time I almost couldn’t deal with the cycle of hope and disappointment. I would just get so incredibly sad, it was debilitating at times. I ended up in the emergency room with a panic attack around the time of my would-have-been due date, convinced my heart was giving out. While I believe the experience ultimately made my husband and I stronger as a couple, it was very tough for a while, because regardless of how much of a shared loss it is, no one feels it quite like the woman and that rift can grow perilous. What helped me most was the support of a friend who tragically lost her baby around the same time while 8 months pregnant. We became incredibly close and sent novels of sadness and support to each other via text almost daily. I got pregnant again after 7 months of trying—lucky 7, I suppose. Those first 10 weeks I was a complete mess: I was spotting again, and was sure I would lose this one, too. At 10 weeks my midwife came over and it was time to try and find the heartbeat. I had hardly slept the night before, playing each possible situation out in my head, over and over. No heartbeat, heartbeat, no heartbeat, heartbeat. When she put the Doppler on my belly and we heart that fast little patter I started sobbing. I decided right then that I would 100% believe in this baby, because worrying every day wouldn’t dampen the heartbreak if the worst happened again. After that day I was finally the happy, glowing, chill pregnant lady I always wanted to be. Orion Elizabeth was born July 12, 2013, and she officially reignited my happiness to levels beyond what I have ever experienced.

克洛依，一次流产，8周。
我29岁生了第一个孩子，花了一年的时间才怀孕。当我的
丈夫和我决定我们准备好再来一次，花了大约3个月的时间，我31岁。大约8周左右，我去医生那里做了一次检查，所有的怀孕症状——恶心、便秘、脖子上的皮疹/丘疹、精疲力竭——医生告诉我，这看起来不像一次正常的怀孕。扫描显示一个空的孕囊。她说她不应该这么说，但在她看来，怀孕是不可能的，但它可能会在未来几天发生变化/进化，所以我应该等待，并在接下来的一周回来看看是否有任何变化，我必须为潜在的流产做好准备。我度过了糟糕的一周，不知道发生了什么，仍然经历着正常怀孕的症状;告诉自己怀孕是不可能的，但还是希望能成功。我把这件事告诉了我妈妈，她试图安慰我说，这是很常见的事情，如果这次不起作用，下次也会起作用的。第二个星期，我和丈夫回到了医生的办公室。她确认什么都没变，甚至日期也变了，在她的监控器上，我似乎只有六七周的怀孕，但仍然没有在妊娠囊内。所以，我有三个选择:等待流产发生(在接下来的两周内)，服用能让流产发生的药片(在接下来的24小时内)，或者通过一个小手术把它取出来。 I chose the third option and had to come back for the surgery a few days after. I couldn’t wait any longer and not knowing when the miscarriage would happen was terrifying to me, even with the pill. The way she described it seemed awful and very painful. I didn’t want it to happen while I was alone with my 18 month old. And I just wanted to get it over with. The procedure took about 30 minutes to an hour, it was difficult and a little painful. I slept the whole day after that. Having another beautiful happy and healthy baby really helped and made me realize even more how lucky I was to be a mom. It is a miracle that unfortunately not everyone has the chance to experience. I told myself and my husband that I wasn’t ready to try again, I needed some time to think. I told a few friends and I found that talking about it was helping. Also, I thought I had to tell people to justify not being very social and happy at that time. Luckily, I got pregnant again not too soon later. It was hard for me to be happy about it and be positive, so I tried to live one day at a time and not think too much about it. Around 9 weeks, after having cramps in my belly during dinner one night at home alone with my daughter sleeping in the next room, I started bleeding and immediately thought I was having a miscarriage. I cried and was terrified, my husband wasn’t home. I tried to call him but he didn’t answer, so I called the hospital and had to describe the scene to a nurse, who advised me to go to sleep and wait for the morning to do blood tests unless it became worse and didn’t stop bleeding. The next morning I went to the lab for a blood test and had to do another one a day or two after to check hormones levels. At the end of the week my doctor called me with the result. It turns out it wasn’t a miscarriage because my hormone levels were really high, so I went for an ultrasound that showed a hematoma. That was causing the bleeding and could potentially cause a miscarriage, so I had to take it easy for the next weeks, no heavy lifting, etc. I am now 28 weeks pregnant, enjoying the pregnancy, and crossing my fingers hoping everything will go well and we’ll have another healthy baby girl!

金、6流产。
讽刺的是，我和我的丈夫甚至不确定我们是否想要孩子——我们拥有美好的生活，我们都不是“为孩子疯狂”，我们实际上去看了心理医生，弄清楚我们真正的想法。那时我38岁，谁知道我还能不能怀孕。但经过几个月的治疗和周年纪念晚宴后，我们决定“拉起守门员”，看看会发生什么。当然，我不到一个月就怀孕了，在轻松地怀孕9个月后，我们的女儿出生了。我们意识到考虑不要孩子是多么疯狂，我们被深深吸引了!让我们惊讶的是，9个月后我发现我又怀孕了!完全的恐慌和喜悦并存。那时我40岁。我的产科医生直到8周才让我来，因为我之前没有任何问题。当我看到我的产科医生时，她开玩笑说这么快就又要一个孩子了，但突然间，当我看到超声波屏幕和医生的脸时，我就知道出了问题。 The fetus didn’t attach to the wall and was just floating around in my uterus, not viable. I was dumbfounded, how could this be? My doctor assured me it was a fluke, just bad luck and not to worry, she would preform the D&C right in her office. She gave me some Valium and told me to go for a walk, take the drugs in an hour, and come back. I walked around in a complete fog for that hour, not sure what was going on but knew I was no longer pregnant. My husband met me at the office and the procedure was done in a matter of minutes. I was numb, but quickly returned to daily life. I don’t think I told many people about that experience and chalked it up to bad luck, but now of course the quest for a sibling was on. Baby #2 was quiet elusive to say the least. Our next pregnancy, with the help of chlomid, happened 11 months later, only to find out it was ectopic. Surgery was needed, but it didn’t end there, it turns out there was a twin higher up in the tube that wasn’t detected. Since there wasn’t a heartbeat I was able to take drugs. That was just awful! I had to get a blood test every week for months until the HCG level hit zero. Every week I was forced to sit with pregnant woman waiting for blood tests, they were hoping for news of good blood sugars and healthy babies and I was waiting for news of “not being pregnant anymore.” It was sheer torture! This is when I started talking about miscarriages. Why should I suffer through this alone? I already felt so alone! When I started talking, others started sharing there stories. I started to blog about our fertility issues when we eventually moved on to IVF: three unsuccessful rounds, two were chemical pregnancies and one pregnancy lasted 9 weeks, which meant another D&C. Undeterred, we were set to try one last and final round. Waiting to get my period after the D&C to figure out the schedule, I became suspicious when it didn’t come at all. As a joke I took a home pregnancy test and wouldn’t you know it was positive. My doctor’s office was sure it was just hormones left after the D&C, so I didn’t get my hopes up, but blood test after blood test my HCG number kept rising and ultrasound after ultrasound showed a healthy fetus with a strong heartbeat. It was a long 14 weeks, but we got the final news we were pregnant with a healthy boy! Funny when nature trumps science! But we weren’t done on the miscarriage front quiet yet. Low and behold when our little one was 18 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. Miracle of all miracles! I wrapped the HPT stick up and gave it my husband as a Christmas present. I was probably 6 weeks along and had good HCG counts. Baby #3 is in sight, it was again scary and exciting. But it wasn’t meant to be. On my birthday 2 days later I started to bleed. I hoped it was normal spotting, but in my heart I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t even call my doctor. It was the holidays and I knew if I was going to miscarry, there was nothing they could do at this point. I had a natural miscarriage, I think I scooped out the fetus, I’m not sure, but it was a hard, gray, maybe an inch-long piece, and held it in my hand. I prayed for the little soul and for the possibilities it could have been. I know our family is complete with my two healthy children, but honestly I think about the 6 little souls every now and then and think “what if.”